Hot Rod Lover

Mikki Bingo’s Omni San Fransexualis #4

Dear Mikki,

I’m head over heels in love with my car. It’s all I can think about. My heart pounds and I’m all atwitter each time I walk into the garage. I’m sure these feelings are mutual. Do you have a problem with that?

— Mega-Reverend Red Rodman
Orange County, California

No problem here, Red. Not unless you’re a Republican preacher planning to have a church wedding and a run for Congress. Judging from your title and place of residence that seems plausible. If so, consider finding an understanding and tolerant human partner, too. Republicans love the swingers scene. Look there first. Republican swingers are far less judgmental about their mates engaging in outside affairs than your average uptight conservative, for obvious reasons. Once your human mate is on-board draw up an iron clad prenupt that each of you can live with, just to be safe.

“I can appreciate the seductive flash, dash and glamour a throbbing hot hunk of glistening hell-on-wheels provides you; but trust me, in both church and politics appearances are everything.”

Your human mate may never be your number one, and I can appreciate the seductive flash, dash and glamour a throbbing hot hunk of glistening hell-on-wheels provides you; but trust me, in both church and politics appearances are everything. Besides, you might be surprised how many freaks just like you are still cowering in those institutional closets. Some have actually been booted from the closet, but are still hiding. Do the names Craig, Swaggart, Haggard, Hargis, Baker, Allen, Murphy, Vitter, Sanford and Foley ring any bells?

I’m a little puzzled by the tenor of your inquiry. Is it a challenge? And regarding the love thing: I don’t deal in love, per se, unless it’s all hot, steamy, wet and gooey. This being a sex column and not a lonely hearts club, I’ll assume you’re seeking creative advice to make jolly with your hot rod. My guess is that you’re a man. Still, I have two girlfriends named Red, so let’s open this up for the benefit of everyone, no matter one’s software.

It would help to know your lover’s year, make, model and condition – and just how you and your partner interact with one another. But since you’ve not provided that information we’ll start with a few Universal Definite Don’ts when engaging in auto sex:

• Never attempt coitus with your mate lying flat on top of you.
• Unlike foreplay, which heats up consenting adults, make certain your beloved is entirely cooled down before fondling or otherwise engaging it’s tail pipe.

And above all remember:

• Even in the afterglow a long, steamy sex session – never, under any circumstance light your lover’s cigarette.

As for creative ways for you and yours to seek pleasure, consider:

• On-board video. A car show or formula one race tape might loosen things up and put both of you in a romantic mood.
• Are any Drive-In theaters still operating down in Orange County? I’m sure you know what they’re designed for.
• If you’re mechanically minded, Red, give your lover a tune-up and a lube job. Follow that with a slow-handed erotic wash and wax job. This should be as pleasurable to your partner as a day in the spa capped with a deep hot oil body massage would be to you. It’s the golden rule. We only get as good as we give.

And finally:

• Try complimenting your lover’s apparel by wearing a rubber outfit to your next tryst. Concentrate that evening’s play activities on each of the four tires. The next night don leather or vinyl and have at it with the seats. Plastic-wear compliments certain portions of the auto body, particularly if you’re fortunate enough to be in love with one of those old classics with the pointy-coned tail lights. But if you really want to make a lasting impression, find or fashion a get-up akin to the Tin Man’s in the Wizard of Oz. I guarantee it—you open the garage door dressed in metal drag and it will melt even the steeliest of steel hearts.