“Eighty percent of the wealth in the United States is controlled by less than ten percent of the population. The vast majority of that elusive demographic resides in the four markets we currently serve.
—Haute Living Magazine (NYC, Miami, L.A. & San Francisco)
Haute Living Magazine’s finely coifed, well-heeled and ultra-exclusive readership wants it all. With an average net worth of $25.2 million, they know they deserve whatever catches their fancy. No matter what envious slackers may think about them, Haute Living readers know that they are the only people who truly count. They’re richer, trimmer, happier and more spa-fit than anyone. And who would argue they don’t merit every advantage their growing wealth affords them, whether they did anything to earn it, or not?
Americans have never begrudged enormous wealth, no matter how it’s amassed. In fact, we celebrate fortunes made by the filthiest, low-down, cheating, scum-sucking conniving crooks – wishing but that we had dreamed their schemes up first. Besides, we too are on trajectories aimed at hoarding uncounted riches…soon…when…if only…then…
“San Francisco and the surrounding area is a haven for the creative types. Maybe it’s something in the water from the bay.
—Haute Living Magazine, San Francisco Edition”
What’s not commonly known is just how incredibly sensitive Haute Livers are to subtle class distinctions – and to the travails of their lessers. Haute Livers recognize that while they and their ilk bear responsibility for destroying our present day economy, it’s the peasantry that’s suffered. That, they argue, is just fine with them. Haute Livers say the plebes were begging for it; and besides, our grand economic game unfolds upon a level playing field for everyone. If the poor schmucks had really wanted to be rich, goes the reasoning, surely they too would be filthy rich.
Many a Hauter privately admits that current economic conditions do afford the better classes rare opportunities to leverage wealth, however. Thus they handsomely fatten already fat portfolios. In fact, the poverty, unemployment, mental depression, domestic violence, hunger, bankruptcy, foreclosure, divorce, addiction, suicides and gutter life endured by the churlish masses – while unfortunate side effects to the economic policies and behaviors of the rich – can actually prove marvelous boons to quick-acting Haute Livers and their delectably rich peers. The good news is that ongoing tribulations suffered by the vulgus mean Haute Livers have never lived better!
“Haute Living is a highly exclusive publication; if you do not fly private, stay in five-star properties, or own homes valued in excess of $3 million, you do not have access to our magazines. To ensure we reach the most elite audience, Haute Living utilizes a controlled distribution model which ensures our publications are placed directly in the hands of the world’s most powerful and acquisitive consumers.”
—Haute Living Magazine
The New Kid in the ‘Hood
But move-over Haute Living, because now there’s a new magazine vying for your readers, namely “those who desire—and have the means to experience—the finest things in life.”
San Francisco’s own Nappin’ Alley Winestyle Rag marries the sophisticated gloss of Haute Living to the elegant rusticity of Napa Valley’s ultra-premium wine-soaked lifestyle, offering refreshingly unique perspectives on class warfare ala Americana. Not only does Nappin’ Alley provide grist for the elitist mill, it does Haute Living one better by attracting a newly emerging wealth-accruing class, the self-identified—”ghettopreneurs.”
“San Francisco and the surrounding area is a haven for the creative types. Maybe it’s something in the water from the bay.”
—Haute Living Magazine, San Francisco Edition
“For best success at panhandling, nothing beats a smooth practiced rap—or a talent for projecting threatening vibes.”
—Nappin’ Alley Winestyle Rag
It’s Not An Address—It’s An Attitude!
Publisher Freddie “the Hawk” Colson says he started Nappin’ Alley after a lottery ticket paid out $177. “It was, like, man I gotta do something righteous with all this dough,” Colson says. “I knew it would change my life for the better. Little did I know I’d be here getting interviewed about the success of my new pub. Man, this is so awesome!”
Nappin’ Alley’s offices are strategically scattered throughout one of the world’s most renowned and exclusive Tenderloin neighborhoods. Its staff are all notable wine lovers. Like their Haute Living counterparts, Nappin’ Alley staffers prefer being motored about to driving themselves, though perhaps for different reasons.
“With a strong editorial focus on inspiring power players and unstoppable business moguls alongside intriguing editorial on “toys for boys” (private jets, megayachts, supercars, timepieces, and more), Haute Living is targeted towards those who desire—and have the means to experience—the finest things in life.”
—Haute Living Magazine
“Meals at Glide ain’t half bad, but for my money ya hop on Muni out to Golden Gate Park and hunt up Henrietta’s tribe for a load of down home hobo stew you’ll not soon forget. I give it Five Chugs.”
—Nappin’ Alley Winestyle Rag
Colson is quick to point out an advantage Nappin’ Alley has in butting heads with Haute Living, namely – their relationship with freelance journalists. Says publisher Colson, “Lookit. You know how the rich are. Buncha pretentious tightwad bastards. Haute hires writers who don’t have two nickels to rub together, then has ‘em cover polo matches where women draped in diamonds and ermine sip champagne and yak about their nails. Borrrrinnng. And I guaranfuckingtee you, they don’t pay shit.”
Colson pauses, quaffing from his bag and wiping his lips on his sleeve before resuming. “We treat our writers with dignity and class. They may not make much, but we oil ‘em up on our dime before sending ‘em out, and then we print word-for-word whatever they come back with. That’s what you call journalistic integrity. And we never talk down to or behind anyone’s back,… unless they’re passed out face-down.
“…if you want the best quality green tea money can buy, we here at Haute Living have the product for you. Masa Super Premium can claim to be the finest green tea in production. With only 36 bottles to be made, the producer, Royal Blue Tea, has started to take reservations for this unique product. Each bottle will cost more than $2,500. The tea is made from leaves picked in Shizuoka, is infused for three days, and is then distributed in 750ml wine bottles. A more expensive tea one is unlikely to find, however for the connoisseur of tea drinkers, and all things green, this really is a must have.”
—Haute Living Magazine
“Each of Dino’s Spud & Taco Shop specials come with a baked Idaho spud, a Chef’s Surprise taco and a tall cool can of effervescent malt. At less than three bucks a pop it’s the T.L.’s Number One real deal steal.”
—Nappin’ Alley Winestyle Rag
So just exactly how does Nappin’ Alley plan to lure away Haute Living readers? Colson thinks he has this all worked out. “Ya see, Haute asks these goddamn stupid questions, but they don’t give no answers,” Colson tells us. “I’ll bet every Haute reader wants some kind of reply. It’s human nature. Well, I posed these questions to my staff, and we replied. I don’t wanna give everything away, but here’s what I mean.”
“Haute Living asks… Where does Keith Menin satisfy his sweets craving?”
“So then my guys reply, ‘From the look on Keithie’s stuck-up mug we’d say he’s sweet on himself. Auto-fellatio, perhaps?’”
“Another good one was…”
“Where does Patrick Kuleto find hidden gems?”
“No one had a clue, but after glimpsin’ his photo we took a blood oath to never follow the guy into the head to find out… And then there was this one…”
“Where does Jill Zarin get pampered?”
“Again, who cares—but from the looks of that tweeky smile and her corn-row of pearly whites my money says there’s Swiss plastic surgeons and Alpine dental clinics locked into the deal.”
Let’s see here, I seem to remember something about an old saying that goes something like this: “You can’t take it with you.”
When the typical “Haute” reader, and for that matter, the “Haute” publisher find themselves lying on their death bed one day down the road, staring into that endless abyss, with no light at all on the horizon, when it finally dawns on them that this is it, I somehow doubt they will have the gall to remind themselves that it’s the one with the most toys that wins. When they find themselves five seconds from eternity, I hope and pray that it finally dawns on them they could have done a few things differently with their time and money.
Great article!